how to love god

hey everybody—whoever you are. this week i am going to write about God.

my love for God.

when i met God.

my life with God.

thanks for being here.

i can remember my first memory with God. i was on the playground of my synagogue, which was both the location of my nursery school and sunday school. i was maybe around the age of 4 or 5. on the jungle gym, prancing around the top level, i say to my friend “did you know God is everywhere? really, God is EVERYWHERE. i learned that in class today, and God lives in our hearts!”

even up to today, i cherish that memory so deeply. since then until my adulthood, the path had been severed, and my journey has not been an easy one, losing my faith many times— not even realizing i was missing something. this really isn’t the time i want to get into my experience back to God, as i went most of my adolescence without relating with God much. returning was a single moment in time—something that could live in a frame. i was a teenager, on the shower floor, in between addicts and heart break, on my knees— but that’s for another day.

being introduced to God with the absence of the devil or hell, in many ways, was my saving grace. i just know it. today, God as i know him (sometimes i refer to god as ‘him’ for simplicity, though i imagine God as genderless) is not associated with my religion of judaism, though because that is where we first met, i hold so much grace and gratitude for my jewish roots. i see all religions with deep reverence; i view them as opportunities to commune with the divine and treat others with love. for me, if i were to have met God, my creator, as a being who constructed an eternal torture chamber for my soul to rot in if i did not redeem myself on earth, i don’t know how i would feel about him. i am so thankful for our beginnings together.

~

before i get more into it, i want to say, my love for god is not without shame. sometimes i have to ask myself: is this a psychological crutch cloaking itself as a made up invisible friend? am i so weak that i have to skirt responsibility, power and grace to someone else to then reflect it back to me? i don’t like these thoughts, but when i devote the deepest well of my spirit and heart and being to something outside of myself (hehe, wait, God is inside me), i simply have to reflect.

i would be remiss if i did not say, my general disposition in life embarrasses me sometimes. since i was a little girl, i have been a fairy, ethereal type human. on the playground in elementary school, my class made up this game called “war”. we had to choose one of two sides, and ‘fight’ with the other. i couldn’t choose. i simply wanted us all to get along. this disposition of mine, though sweet and lovely, sometimes is challenging when mixed into a society where such softness is frowned upon as naive. to me, it’s not naive, it’s the only way for our people to continue existing on this gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful planet. i literally had a dream last night about helping organize peace in the land of palestinians and isralis. this kumbaya shit isn’t a pipe dream to me, it’s our only way. til this day, if someone calls me a ‘sweetheart’ i cringe. sometimes, it feels so isolating and often infantilizing to see through this lens.

also, before i move forward talking about God-like living, i want to remind you, i can be a yucky little bitch. i am in love, no, i am obsessed with the housewives and all their messiness. when my girlie says at brunch “can i be mean for a second” i perk up with excitement. i am human, but i really do try my best.

~

today, God is my favorite. sometimes, i think i know how the nuns feel, how the monks feel. i am in love. really, truly. i am a householder— i love dancing, traveling, marriage, sex, all of it— but i feel in my heart what they feel— those who dedicated their lives to being married to God. i swear, i do, i get it. yet, the embarrassments that i previously spoke of have led me to journeys of proof. brave heroes who cite prayer and faith, humans who have witnessed miracles, science that can’t explain magic in its presence. “yes, God must be real. my faith wasn’t enough, but here is proof.” though, to me, my favorite reflection of god isn’t in what is seen, it’s something much deeper.

do you know that feeling when you’re in the water— and subliminally you’re in bliss. every thought and fear is suspended, all that exists is the present moment. and in your vision, for as far as the eye can see, there is only water, sky, and horizon. there is a film of magic whispering on everything. the glistening of the sun dancing with our planet is heaven on earth. yeah, that’s proof of God.

i guess i haven’t really told you who God is to me yet, other than some illustrious being who hangs out in my heart and the water. God reminds me of my highest self, a woman who is beautiful, worthy of love and a life well lived. God reminds me that others, even those living with the ugliest hearts, deserve our grace. God shows me that going through life with an open heart is the path that will always lead me towards the most satisfaction.

my relationship with God has helped me navigate death, heartbreak and major transitions. with God, i remember that i have a path that is laid out just for me, so with faith, i walk knowing that i have a destiny aligned with my soul’s perfect design. this is the kind of surrender that allows me to rest and create knowing that as long as i live with love and compassion, my path will continue to unfold perfectly.

God’s love has allowed me to see other’s as God’s children, even those who have forgotten their own truth. guys, truly. like, i have imagined hitler and been able to give him grace. this sort of perception of others humans does not mean i believe we should allow others to behave in minimal ways and face no consequences, it simply means i can see them as a hurt child, a tortured soul, but not hate them.

so, how do i commune with this eternal, infinite being, God? prayer is my first answer. evening and morning prayers are incredible ways to set intentions for the day. whether it’s a one liner or a few minutes, it’s my favorite. a super simple exmple would be:

God, thank you so much for waking me up this morning with health and safety. i pray to live my day in alignment with you and my highest self. i send my love before me to everyone that i will think of and see today— may we come together in love, healing, unity and peace. thank you.” i am writing a prayer book i love it so much ~ Peaches Prayers and Cream ;-)

along with prayer, there are so many ways to remember our connection with God. i truly don’t believe God has some ego that loves to be praised, i think life is a gift for us, and the best way to exalt God is by appreciating this gift of life we have been given. we were put on this earth to be reflections of God— which is to be beautiful, giving, gracious, joyous. to experience the depths of grief and the highs of love. feel pleasure, know the pain. reflect into the darkness, but don’t get consumed in the shadows of ‘evil’, rather revel in the gray mystery. it’s all part of the gift of life. we are not here to be punished or devalue this earthly experience by groaning and grudging through it. it is a treasure to incarnate here, act like it.

also, i am really being called to say, we are able to feel this stuff deeply when we have a healed heart space. for me, yoga is an excellent way to keep my heart chakra open. gosh, and i am also being called to say if you can’t act like life is a gift because you’re depressed or sad, that’s ok. you’ll get there, i promise.

ok, wow. if you made it this far, thanks :-)

i love you all so much.

domingo is for lovers.

xo,

carly yolanda trujillo