keep up

hey, we meet again :~)

we, me and you. we, me and the page. me and the keyboard, this screen. i opened up last week saying i did not want to write. i don’t want to, again. that has me considering the fulfillment of commitments. specifically, commitment to self. and in the name of what? for why? that’s what i would like to explore here today: the commitments we make to ourselves and the rewards we gain when we follow through on our investments.

i was in 3rd grade when my teacher, Mrs. Espy, told me i should enter my creative writing exercises in contests. I was a b/c student in all other fields of study at best. i never, i mean ever, liked school. but writing? oh boy. i would make my own magazines. really, i used to glue white printer paper on magazines— the cover and individual pages on the inside, front and back, creating my own blank canvas on the pre-binded print.

it’s not the technical part of writing that i love so much. in fact, i think that’s a master’s game. and by master, i mean colonizer. really. that’s why i don’t use caps in my personal writing. it doesn’t resonate with me, and this is my art, so why should i comply? i use commas in a way that allows me to express my cadence, rather than simply to exhibit my knowledge of the rules.

i write because i feel. my heart is an ocean and my feelings are often grenades, crashing into me, melting into my veins. my practices of breath work, exercise and yoga help me keep it all balanced and in perspective, and writing— well writing helps me make sense of it, art of it.

if everything inside of me is rushing water and courageous fire, writing allows me to pull it out, put it in front of me, and organize it in a way that makes me squeal with happiness and delight, because i made something beautiful out of the madness. it is now tangible. i am now tangible. creating art is making an archive to all that you have been, and all that you presently are, except with a melody, and with a sparkle. and if we’re lucky enough, when we make our art, we feel good in the process.

i have now cried while writing this, because i am so happy to be here, showing up for myself. yet merely 15 minutes ago i felt dry and distant of any desire to express words onto this “paper”. i wasn’t feeling deep. not in a yucky way, i just could have done 5 other things, like go to a thrift store. after all, it’s sunday, and most of them close at 6. yet, here i am. proud of myself, feeling fulfilled, charged and complete.

i believe in rest and grace. trust me, i binged the sopranos yesterday like a little potato. that felt so good. but there has also been weeks where i have missed one too many gym sessions (that i wanted to go to) in the name of “giving myself space to rest”. there’s something here. that question of when do we push ourselves to take an action, why do we commit to the things that we do, and when do we allow ourselves to take breaks.

for me, i am motivated to maintain my commitments to myself when i tap into the magnetic pull of the way i want to feel while living this one, precious, beautiful life. these intentions are more fulfilling than goal setting, they blend into devotion. i think a goal has a definitive beginning and end, and this experience i speak of is infinite. yes, i have a goal, for example, to publish my poetry and prayer book, but really, more deeply, it’s a need to flow with my art, to make love to it, to make it tangible. becoming published is just part of that journey, not the beginning, and certainly not the end. this experience is a deep pull towards wholeness, asking me to play with my desires in many forms.

there is this sutra by yogi bhajan, the teacher who brought kundalini yoga to the west, and it goes something like this: keep up and you will be kept up. that’s it. it’s so simple. keep up with the aura of what it takes to be who you want to be, and you will maintain that feeling. the thing that we all realize at some point is that nobody holds the paintbrush to our own lives but ourselves. gosh, i know it is so corny…. but i’m going to say it, ok? what will you do with your paintbrush? what life will you create?

ok, wow. i love you all so much.

have a blessed domingo.

xo, carly yolanda trujillo