seriously playful
i’m intense. i am so intense that i am convinced my energy can clear a room— or it can mesmerize people to me like their favorite religion. i am not speaking of lovers, i just mean any human. and you may be thinking, gosh carly, that’s cocky. no, no. because those that don't like me i feel as though i repel them. trust me, feeling like a stintch to part of the population is not fun.
i am also so serious. like, I have about 5 renditions of leanord cohen’s hellelujah (number 1 favorite song ever) on my playlist and it’s a non negotiable, never skip, i will cry every time, song. but here’s the thing… i love that feeling. once, my x told me that my songs sound like some trance, soft core porn music (lol). i love it, he’s right.
and, on the flip side, i am soft and and humble. remember when we were kids, and we would say what we wanted to be when we grew up, and all the girls like a chorus said “fairy princess!” (ok, just me?)— well, i still very much feel that way, in essence. i love standing in the ocean, feeling sparkly and ethereal, watching the horizon as if it’s just me, her and all the oceans kin and secrets. i belong. my favorite place is a forest floor, feeling like I could melt into the moss, light as a cloud.
the thing missing in all of this is levity. when people ask if i want to play something, like slack line for instance, i jokingly says “no, i don’t like to have fun.” i know I'm being silly, but gosh, i wonder if i’m being dead ass serious? me? i’d rather watch from the branches of the tree i just climbed, feeling the breeze in my hair from the canopy, wondering if the world stopped while i'm up there, just for me, a moment with the birds and the sky.
this writing, these essays, they really melt me into my heart and my sharpness. the thing is, lately i have been feeling a pull towards the light and ease of life. honestly, i love my deep well. really, truly. it’s because of this aspect of myself i cry when i see the homeless man who is clearly suffering from a health condition. it’s a reflection of my heart, and she’s the one aspect of myself i am most fiercely protective and proude of. but trust me, she shows her face enough. i want to practice flexing my sweet, playful, light muscle more.
i think of the buddha, laughing, and surely this enlightened fella was on to something. sure, he was intense as hell, but knew how to drop his head back and wail with laughter, too. so, here’s the thing. as i was saying, these essays really bring me into my deep well. and that’s great, but something about it is feeling a bit forceful, unaligned. it’s important to me that i write so that i strengthen this skill, and it’s also imperative to me that i post my work with the world on a weekly basis, as practice of sharing my art, but maybe I need to restructure what that looks like, to fit into my greater vision and needs.
as i have mentioned 1000 times at nauseam (hehe i love it) i am currently writing a prayer and poetry book. poetry and prayers feel so good write. they’re opportunities to channel, like a laser, like the tip of a sward, all the intensity inside of me in one, pointed little sequence of words. oh, it’s so yummy to me. it takes a certain skill, i am tasked with the challenge of writing a lifetime of feelings into one, beautiful, bitesized piece of art only using language. oh yes! i love it!
so, with that, what’s next for my little weekly art/ writing? i am not 100% certain yet, but what i need to complete in order to hold myself accountable and stick to the vision is: 1 writing no matter what for 5 hours a week and 2 sharing something on social media/ my website every sunday, whether that be a completed poem/ prayer or little article on my site.
phew, sheesh, my goodness! why so serious? idk, but i’m trying to be more playful, ok 🥹?
i love you forever.
domingo is for lovers,
carly yolanda trujillo