this little light
hey y’all.
i am so happy to be here today. i spent the day with some of my favorite people, on a few adventures, celebrating the year death of one of my very best friend’s dog baby. amongst the grief, it was sparkly, light and lovely.
something i have been wanting to write about is an energy that i am touching into— and quite frankly, not just the woman that i am melting into, but the woman i have actually been becoming lately. the descriptors i will reflect on in the following aren’t necessarily the tenants i believe we should all want to be like, it’s simply what i aspire to feel.
also, i want to state— this is something i have not fully reckoned with, so you will see a raw reflection. if it feels a bit unhealed, that’s because it is. daily, i am reminded of why i am different than many of cultures ideals of how a woman should show up in the world, and it hurts. but i truly, really believe i was given my heart and spirit as an assignment, something to master.
a theme i write about is my intensity. last week, i said i felt my energy could clear a room, for good or bad reasons, depending on who is receiving it. i later explained that i am trying to emulate a lighter way of being, and ultimately embody it. the system i have been using to add ease and breath into my life, in many ways, is a fake it til i make it approach. do as a the woman i want to be does, and eventually it will be a natural part of who i am. and guess what guys, it’s actually working..
since i was little, i have been weird, otherworldly, sensitive and meek. these base qualities can evolve into a few different natural directions. imagine them as colors, the qualities of these colors can take different expressions, hues, and be painted in a plethora of ways, but ultimately these unique colors have certain patterns and strokes that would make them shine the best.
the path that i walked for many years was lovely, but an expression of my essence that swayed a bit dark. black cat and dark priestesses, please stand up. it’s fun. to bring this down to earth, i embodied my organic soul through wearing deep olive greens— i am so comfortable with death i have considered being a death doula, because i know i would be a really gnraly one—and my flavor of sexuality is the type where i will eat your soul, lick my fingers because it was so good, then give it back to you because we need to go to the market and i don’t want to go alone.
even if it was in my head, i felt like the adolescent other parents took one look at and were a bit scared of. like they saw a feline in my eyes, a pattern on my skin of spots, something that was a bit dangerous, wild. and my goodness, i admired the blonde haired, bubbly skinned peachy girls, who looked like they woke up in a surfs up magazine. not because they were prettier or anything, but because i wanted a piece of that lightness. why did God have to give me such a wild and heavy heart—such sad, anime eyes? me, who i am, i feel has been too much for so many people. so in many ways, i have made my self small, less.
as i sit here, i grieve for myself— not in a pity party, victim way— but because who i am at my core is so counter culture. sometimes it is really hard being me in this world. if you’ve ever heard my name and associated it with being weird— even if you mean that in the kindest, cutest way— just know there are so many layers to embodying that identity, though i wouldn’t have it any other way, truly, who i am is a gift (and i hope you feel that way about yourself, too).
though, i wonder, am i trying to be softer, sweeter, lighter, all to be more palatable to others? it’s clear to me, the answer to that is no, it’s to express my own dual nature. really, the way i want to embody the lightness is not to exorcise the dark and wild nature of my spirit, it is simply to be an elixir for her when she wants to rest her paws and melt into the sun. something buoyant she can land into, an anchor to tether me back to this earth.
any who, little steps were taken to be a touch less intense —(( WAIT! i don’t want to write it this way)) — to add depth to my identity— and to be a baby bit more light and playful. as a libra moon (hehe) my natural first course of action was wearing lighter colors. pastels, sweet summer dresses, babygirl flats. so people related to me differently, it was working, but i still felt like i was masking. a desire was plugged in, but the power wasn’t truly coursing yet. gosh, i knew changes had to happen on the inside, too.
ok. i want to lay them out by bullet points, because there are a few very real steps i took to become the woman i am today— someone balanced, integrated, and really, a woman that i am proud of.
hehe so here it is: a list of ways i integrated and balanced my core darkness with my light~~~~~~*~~~
victim mentality and needing to be right cannot live here. listen, nothing, truly, nothing will weigh down the human mind more than a need to be right or a pattern of positioning yourself as a victim. i let go of the victim shit a long time ago, but i cut out any last strings of it like a technical surgeon exploring for cancer. it could no longer live here. also, needing to be right, even over silly shit, like whether or not a pinch of salt in your water is good or bad for you (hehe, ashely) had to go. if you don’t believe yourself in these expressions at first, that’s ok. this is that fake it til ya make it shit. i promise, you will change.
looking at people in their eyes more. just like the breath tethers me to my body, looking at people in their eyes makes everything around me fall away, even my thoughts. it reminds me that those around me are simply souls living this human experience, just like me. this may sound weird and intense, but actually, its quiet, simple and humbling. it reminds me life is really simple, if we can just see each other.
letting go of some people and friendships. this can be flexible and even flow over time. allowing for space between others in our lives can heal parts of us, i promise. remember that song, this little light of mine? i made it my one priority to protect mine.
healing from the stories my family told, the identities they wove into me. woah, this one is for a whole other day— and i love my family. i would walk on my knees to cross the planet for them, but i can’t align with many of their ways, and that’s ok. it was truly so healing. i am still in this process of unraveling into myself.
going to the beach almost every chance i get. a pretty one, a gorgeous one. alone, with friends, doesn’t matter, i am there.
ok, omgsh, ok… here i go. anchoring back into my darkness! hehe, here we are again. part of this balancing act i speak of is about fully accepting all of me, and so much of my healing into the light has been honoring my dark. a huge way i have honored this aspect of my being is simply by accepting who i am. when someone reflects back to me that my counter culture, cute ass is just too much, i don’t pick myself apart anymore, rather, i hold my heart high and smile, because i know it’s not about me, it’s nothing personal.
this one is sort of in tandem with the last one, i can’t take shit personally. when others opinions of me or my actions is more important than my own, i fail myself miserably. i live by a really simple tenant of doing no one harm intentionally, and of course if i hurt someone their opinion matters, but i am very careful of my behavior not to do so, therefore any other opinion should simply roll off of me. this one is so important. listen, baby. you could be dancing, laying in the sun, singing, smiling, flowing— and there will be those who have something nasty to say. that, right there, that little crux between aligned flow and being received negatively, that moment— if you can allow it to reflect off of you, and not into you, you will be ok. i promise. do no harm, play, live a life that feels good.
ok, gosh. i made it to the end, and i have so much more i can say. sometimes i feel like these little weekly essays are narcissistic. i am writing about myself, and sharing it with you all to read. i don’t know. what i do know is i have these words that need to come out of me, i heal in presenting myself to the world and being seen, because it is so much easier for my to play small, be meek and hide, and maybe, just maybe, there’s a nugget somewhere in here that will resonate with someone, help them, heal them too? ok, thanks guys, i love you all so much.
xoxo, as always,
domingo is for lovers
carly yolanda trujillo